hope in uncertainty

look backwards,

Everything around me is falling apart. Nothing is going right. I'm lost, broke, sick, homeless, tired but restless, hungry, angry, lonely, desperate. My mental state to me feels like I am in a literal ditch. I can feel my soul looking out at life as if seeing it from a dark tunnel. I'm experiencing things that are happening, but my mind is only concentrated on the weight of the dark thick fog that lays over the eyes of my existence. - This is a status of being I have known before, back when I was in active addiction years ago.  Although existing in such a dark place I felt I still had a small light of hope. Now, that small light that I had, I constantly stoke to keep it a fire that will shine through the darkness of the unknown. Out of that dark fog that covered me I am free to see all the clarity and balance of life. Life can be stressful and difficult. It can be easy to feel trapped and stagnant. Even if everything around me may reflect a stressful or uncertain environment, I can still have hope for the things my heart and mind yearn for. I can still have hope that darkness is before the dawn. I still have hope that hard work pays off, that intentions come to fruition, that justice is served, that light attracts light, that there's more to life, and love will win. If life is uncertain no matter what I can still have hope. For I believe in the mysterious "coincidences" of the universe that reflect a loving brilliance that can guide broken too beautiful. I believe in Hope. Hope in Uncertainty - 

I love this painting and the memories that I recall when I look at it. It reminds me that during that time when life is uncertain and I'm focusing on all the small things that are weighing me down, look at all we have overcome. I can contemplate the details of the wood, and how the iron paint is oxidizing over time. I can be proud of the small imperfections in the frame and appreciate the fact that we can express ourselves this way. The challenges I face today are minuscule compared to the heartaches I have felt. I welcome the challenges, and the unknown is exciting to me. The abundant possibilities are overwhelming and that to me is stressful. The fact that this is what is causing me anxiety in itself ignites gratitude, joy, and hope for all the new challenges that are a segue to growth and satisfaction.  Things fall into place, and I know this painting will find the right home when its time. 

-Connor (2022)